Being Pregnant, Lesson One

First, you'll need an actual pregnant woman (APW) for reference. 9 months along or so, if you can find one in such a state.

Check.

Now, take your APW for a walk and observe her techniques. A mile or so through some snowy woods should suffice. Make a mental note of her huffing and puffing, frequent pauses, and overall poky pace. Help her along when needed. (It goes without saying that you should be thanking her profusely for agreeing to go on the walk in the first place.)

The following day, locate a burden approximately equivalent in size to the burden carried by the APW. If she's bearing, for example, an additional 40 pounds, try to obtain an object as close to this mass as possible. (Technically, you should size it up so your extra weight is the same percentage of your original size as hers is to hers.)

Check. (Sort of. A standard cinder block, which I can only assume this is, weighs 29 lbs. To be as loaded down as Lope, I'd have needed 51. But I don't know if the backpack straps could have withstood that.)

Fasten the burden to the front of your body and attempt to stand upright. Situate the straps so the weight is roughly centered on your abdomen, and proceed to the woods. Cover the same trails you walked with the APW the day before.

Huff.

Puff.

Take embarrassingly frequent rests, during which you receive strange looks, but no commentary, from passersby. Nobody wants to ask the guy with a cinder block on his chest what he's up to.

Notice how badly, and quickly, your lower back hurts. Observe the constriction of your lungs -- almost as if a great weight were pressing down on them, which it is. When you approach even the slightest downward slope, maintain intense awareness that you can't see your feet, and that your top-heavy weight distribution makes you a decent analogue of a pack mule or a dump truck.

See how far down the ground suddenly seems, and what a pain it would obviously be to get back up if you fell.

Become suddenly thirsty, and start looking for a patch of fresh snow to consume.

Sigh with disappointment at how far away all the snow on the ground is, and resolve to find some that has settled on a more convenient smorgasbord. Preferably waist-high, at minimum.

Greedily shove the snow into your face, panting to melt it quickly in your mouth and gulping down the freezing hydration. Forget to brush it out of your beard, where it will quickly refreeze in the 18-degree air.

Waddle further down the trail while bending slightly backward, trying to balance the downward pressure constantly threatening to drag you to the ground.

Remove hats, gloves and other clothing now causing you to overheat from the extra effort.

Resolve to finish the walk despite the surprising difficulty and unpleasantness, because what are you, some kind of a wuss? Your pregnant wife did this same circuit, just yesterday! Carrying more weight than you are!

Arrive back at the car sweaty and exhausted, setting down your temporary pregnancy with an immodest heave onto the passenger seat. Fly backward from the car and wobble around the parking lot, suddenly unencumbered by the 29 lbs you bore for a whopping half hour. Marvel anew at the feat being accomplished on a daily basis by millions of women all over the world.

Go home and rub your wife's back.

Well.