I'll Tell You Right Now, I Didn't Write This

The following was viciously cut and pasted without any kind of permission or authorization from this site: http://www.pkmeco.com/seinfeld/


“After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe.”

“That's unbelievable!”

“Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital.”

“You ran?”

“No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'“

“Holy cow!”

“Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him.
He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!”

“How could you do that?”

“Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!”

“You're Batman.”

“Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop.”

“You kept making all the stops?”

“Well, people kept ringing the bell!”

“What about the toe? What happened to the toe?”

“Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.”

“You did all this for a pinky-toe?”

“Well, it's a valuable appendage.”

- Kramer, George and Jerry, in “The Fire”


I will say only that I once took an entire class devoted to the crafting of good dialogue, and not once did anybody tell me how to write anything this great. Not even a hint.

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