Where Vegetarians Come From

My wife decided on hamburgers for dinner tonight. Unfortunately, the path to the grill was impassable, covered in snow sprinkled with potting soil from an earlier project of hers, so we dragged out the George Foreman grill, plugged it in, and immediately tripped the circuit breaker for half the house.

After going around in the dark and turning off everything else on that circuit, including this computer, we restored power and set about cooking our flattened pink patties of ground chuck. "80% lean!" the package read, omitting mention of the remaining fifth of the package's contents, which was fat.

It's a good thing I'd set up the grill with its front lip overhanging the sink, because soon enough we had a waterfall of grease cascading down the porcelain. Regular hosings-off with the sink sprayer prevented any permanent staining, but the patties were cooking quickly and the fries were taking longer in the oven than I'd anticipated.

By the time everything was ready, the burgers were beyond ready. We ketchuped, relished and A1-ed them as best we could, but overall they tasted like shingles, only not as flavorful. I ended up giving part of mine to our dog Vince, who wondered if he'd done something bad today.

Cleaning the George Foreman grill didn't improve our dining experience. I soiled three paper towels just trying to remove the preliminary goo from the cook surface, then resorted to lowering the whole assembly into the sink, at which point Penny gasped, her widening blue eyes fixated on a golf-ball-sized glob of grease left hardening on the counter.

I decided to finish off the fries.

As my poor wife continued degreasing the kitchen in the aftermath of what will be remembered as the Hamburger Boondoggle of Winter '05, she began singing, presumably as a means of shielding herself from the horrors being sopped up before her.

"Naaast-o-riffic..." she sang, her melodious voice lilting through the haze of animal fat. "Oh, I don't even know what that was, but it looked like a blood clot..."

I sprinted off to the living room, thinking happy thoughts, about happy places, and tofu.


Anonymous said...

Don't you have the little tray that comes with the grill for the grease to drain into? Maybe you should have read the instructions. Tom & I seem to be able to work the George just fine- he is our friend. :) You should have called, I would have come over and made chocolatechip pancakes for all!


Colin said...

A tray, you say... well, thanks for the tip, AK. Once again, I've suffered needlessly due to my own ignorance.

Now come and make us some pancakes.

Anonymous said...

You two are a hilarious pair. Ever since P told us drawer-ers about you I have been reading your stories from time to time & giggling.

You know what is good? Mexican ground round. It's just a hunk of super spiced soy. Great for tacos. I am not a Vegetarian, but I have noticed over the years a slow detest for animal fat. At first I was all anti "lets make the tofu look like meat" thing. But it tastes wonderful, and no grease!

- amanda