Delicious Uses For Day-Old Bread

The April issue of Real Simple magazine includes a feature on what to do with a loaf of day-old bread. I didn't bother reading it, of course, because I was too busy coming up with my own suggestions.

- Run around poking it at people, going, "Eeeww! Day-old bread! Run!"

- Eye it suspiciously.

- Fashion a nutritious pillow for toddlers.

- Befriend local birds.

- Attempt to bludgeon someone you only mildly dislike.

- Burrow inside for a quick nap.

- Decorate it with sequins and newspaper clippings.

- Tie on a small basket and pretend it's a day-old blimp.

- Return it to the wheat field from whence it came. Scatter the crumbs respectfully.

- Celebrate its birthday.

- Age it in your bread cellar.

- Stuff it in the top of your sock band and complain about your yeasty goiter.

- Sell it for half-price at your bakery.