What's Spent in Vegas Stays In Vegas

There are and will be no wild stories from our trip to Las Vegas this week. No miraculous jackpots, no celebrity cavorting, no all-night binges or decadence or dancing in cages or anything of that nature.

I have instead a few dozen photos on my memory card, a few dozen less dollars in my savings account and a deep loathing for the way I packed my bags.

Now, in fairness, we did get a few breaks from Lady Luck.

1. Tuesday night, after walking a hour down the strip to see the fountains at the Bellagio (cancelled due to windy conditions) we stopped into New York New York to grab a late-night snack, and when we came out the other side we saw our hotel only a couple blocks away. We had thought it would be much further.

2. Wednesday afternoon, we managed to gain entry to the Mandalay Bay swimming pool using our friend's room key. Hearsay and about six posted signs had told us that EACH GUEST MUST PRESENT ROOM KEY, so we didn't expect them to let us in, but they did. We got to bob in the wave pool, and float around the lazy river, and look at all the paunchy elderly gentlemen in speedos we could stomach.

3. Thursday morning, when I unfolded my laptop in gate D17 of McCarran airport and realized that not only did they have Wi-Fi for me, it's free. That was pretty nice.

Oh, and our friends Amy, Jake and James came, and they pretty much salvaged the trip.

But there were still some things that did not quite go our way, and I feel a few of these things bear mentioning.

two-mile walk from hotel room to convention center $ six-dollar bottles of cheap beer $ beds with no covers upon arrival, just sheets $ everpresent cigarette smoke $ blisters $ underwhelming cafeteria food in overpriced hotel buffet $ reports of wonderful food in other hotels' buffets $ intentionally confusing building layouts $ deafening bells and whistles every time you walk through a casino $ being pretty much forced to walk through casino to get where you're going $ 15,000 avid eBay-ers filling convention center and everyplace else $ view from hotel room consisting of large wall $ hour-long wait for take-out burrito $ needlessly forbidding security guards at entrance to exhibition hall $ forgotten swim trunks $ inescapable posters of mostly naked hairless people $ mostly naked hairless people standing by the pool slathering themselves with tanning lotion while glancing around to make sure someone's watching $ insufferable hooches who assume you're propositioning them when all you're trying to do is make conversation $ persistent feeling that there's a lot of fun to be had, you just don't know where to find it $ gold-encrusted divorcees with carpets of gray chest hair $ absurdly remote or otherwise inaccesible restrooms $ cancelled fountain displays due to high winds $ skanky cocktail waitresses spilling out of their costumes $ lines for everything, including escalators $ constantly being expected to tip, even for bad service $ closed food courts at 5 pm $ frequent uncertainty about whether you're above or below ground $ ill-fitting coffee lid causing large coffee spill on favorite shirt first thing in morning $ in-flight programming that cuts out during liftoff, then requests five dollars to continue $ cramped airplane seats $ realization that you're always either complaining or restraining yourself from doing so

Vegas is a fine city, I'm sure. Many, many people go there and love it and eagerly plan their next visit.

As for me, though... if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't.