I Can Do This Because I'm Not Google.com Or Whatever

Okay, if everybody in the world was reading this site I might feel a little bad about doing this, but they don't, so I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to go ahead, and I'm going to poke a little fun at this personals ad I just noticed on Craigslist, which is an ingenious and no-cost online compendium of all kinds of local want ads.

Before you ask, I was on Craigslist because we're trying to sell our treadmill (Electric Incline, Low mi., $400 obo) and I wanted to see how the ad looked. And I clicked on the "Strictly Platonic" category out of sheer curiosity, just to see what people post there.

I was not, not even remotely, looking for a "beer pong buddy," like one fellow apparently is in Indy, or hoping to join a Gay-Bi Wrestling Group, or wanting to have lunch with someone from India. (Though I'm actually not opposed to that last one.)

Unfortunately for the dude whose posting I'm about to paste, I'm also not a "chillacious nocturnal denizen." Because that's what he's after. Here's his ad:

*****

SEEKING CHILLACIOUS NOCTURNAL DENIZENS - M4W - 30

im looking for a cool, open minded, liberal, outgoing, spirited, educated, witty, paranormal type woman to go out with on occassion. It doesnt matter if your gay/lesbian/str8 just be down for some great conversation and forays into realms known and unknown. Specifically going out for nice dinners, drinks, art, music, clubs, gay bars, walks, 420. shopping, whatever.

just be original and not a clone.

race does not matter...nor does age..prefereably good looking though.

well...please be older than 21 and younger than 40. If your 41 and look 29 that is perfect.

I am a mad chill, professional white male (good looking too). Into a variety of things, including, but not limited to:

adventures, writing, going out, shopping, conversation, coffee, 420, art, photography, poetry, and music that has the ill beats.

anyways...if you fit the bill, please advise. If you think you are close...and come on my range is quite broad...reply.

Thank you in advance for your lack of BS.

one.

*****

Where do I begin? Let's start with "chillacious." What the crap? Is that like a hybrid of "Chill" and "Hellacious"? "Tenacious," maybe? Neither of these terms align with the concept of "chill" in any way I can detect. In fact, I think I'd pay to see someone chill hellaciously.

On to "music that has the ill beats." I see what he's getting at, and I'm all for chillacious rhythms myself, but this description sounds like it was written by a recent immigrant from Estonia. Or something. "I like music that has the ill beats, because it brings to me much soothing when my mind has the tension."

And... "If your 41 and look 29 that is perfect"?! Way to alienate anybody who might read the ad. A 41-year-old seeing this is automatically going to know you're a materialistic jerk and a 29-year-old is going to wonder why she's not up to your standards of worldliness.

I don't even know what 420 is, but I'm going to assume it's a drug reference because that's what I always assume references I don't get are.

Maybe I'm just picking on an easy target. Maybe he's a lovely person, just a little lonely, with lots to offer a special someone out there. I hope he finds what's he's looking for.

Come on, though: this is one pretentious posting. I think it's only fair -- I mean, if I had the nerve to declare myself a "mad chill professional" who's interested in absolutely everything and good looking to boot, then complain about "clones" and BS in the next breath, I'd expect a little ridicule too.

Even if it was on a website I'll most likely never see.

One.