1/11/07

Codswallop!

What's this I hear about this crazy Hercules Hook?

Holding objects up to 150 lbs on a standard household wall *without* hammers, nails or drills? Poking a tiny hole in the drywall, through which a specially curved metal device is threaded to brace against the rear face of said drywall panel and provide a sturdy protruding peg?



Nonsense! Everyone knows that properly hanging a picture, shelf or mirror requires a level, a stud finder (which I unfortunately can't use; the darn thing just beeps nonstop ha ha ha), a center punch, bit set, backhoe and so forth.

And I'm not about to let some noisy bearded dude tell me otherwise. Yell on, Beardo. I'm not swayed by your fancy infomercials OR your catchy, alliterative product name.

Let the others dial your hotline and fritter away their $14.95 plus shipping and handling. Let them immediately qualify for the free bonus laser contraption. I, the only one it seems, see that this Hook of yours isn't Herculean at all — it's a mockery of a sham.

An insult to all principles of effective afffixiation. A steel-reinforced poke in the eye of craftsmanly mountage.

Why, I'd sooner scotch tape my cherished heirlooms over the mantel than fraternize with such chicanery -- that's assuming the fine folks at Scotch Corporation would even permit such an act, and that I'm using the word chicanery correctly.

I've viewed your mini-video on the website. (Though I did mute the sound, I'll have you know.) I've studied your diagrams. I even read your Frequently Asked Questions (what kind of dolts are you selling this stuff to, by the way? "The Hercules Hook does not work on brick, stone or cement"? Duh!). And I must stress that nowhere in these FAQs was the issue addressed of How The Crap This Thing Could Actually Work.

A clever omission on your part, no doubt. It's just a bent-up wire, for crying out loud! Nothing more than an artfully mangled coathanger -- a tool for retrieving locked-in car keys, not for bearing the weight of mirrors and storage racks!

I would urge you, sir, to consider for a moment the real bearded icon of home projects, the trusted trailblazer upon whose reputation you base your hirsute credibility. Go on, ask yourself: What would Norm Abrams think?

Would the esteemed host of This Old House endorse such a simplistic, instant gratification "miracle" device as the Hercules Hook? Can you imagine His Normness introducing today's episode with an earnest "Hi folks, today we're going to learn how to properly fasten pictures and mirrors to household walls. Start by making sure you've got a clean work area, then call 1-800..."

No. Norm would know that lasting results come from the three "P"s of home improvement: a Proven plan, the Proper tools and a Pain-in-the-ass execution. And he'd say as much, were Mr. Abrams not too polite to go on record and expose your base charlatanry.

Well I'm not. I'm calling you out, buddy.

In fact, I propose an arrangement -- an opportunity to let you salvage what honor you have left, and safeguard the reputation of your so patently fraudulent product. Here is my proposal:

Send to my residence one package of ten Hercules Hooks, WITH the ten bonus hooks, along with perhaps a couple of extra boxes so that I might more accurately assess their worth. All postage and rush delivery charges are to be incurred at your expense.

For my part I pledge to put these Hooks into use in my new house, which we move into in two weeks and currently has a great many bare walls. I will then report back on their value. If they are in any way inadequate, or somehow fail under the rigorous scientific evaluation I intend to conduct, please understand that I will remove all the offending devices from my walls, stomp them into an unrecognizable tangle, and spit upon the remaining stock in a public forum.

If, however, they are proven to fulfill their stated promise, and truly "Hold up to 150 lbs leaving only a pin size hole", then I swear that I shall withdraw my accusations and speak no more of the matter, here or in any other journal of widespread scrutiny.

This is my offer to you, Beardon McNoisyman.

Kindly include the laser level as well.

2 comments:

penelope said...

HA!

Beardon McNoisyman!

Anonymous said...

I think I understand how it works. They don't lend themselves to bending, and when you place the end of it upright to catch the wire of a hanging object, the shaft is directly above hanger in front, only behind the wall. And... since ripping through drywall is way more difficult than poking through it, the contraptions work. You're just jealous that he Beardon -Epinephrine- McNoisyman thought of it first! -T