For a Guy Who Writes as Much as I Do, You'd Think I'd Be a Better Lyricist

[Sing to yourself, as softly as possible]

Hush little baby, don't say a word.
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

And if that mockingbird don't sing,
we'll check the store's return pol-i-cy.

And if that manager won't help,
we'll get a new bird off his shelf.

So now we're a pair of aviary thieves,
with telltale feathers poking out our sleeves.

But on the way to the parking lot,
we'll check to see what we have got.

And if that birdie turns out mean,
We'll set him free and flee the scene.

But if he tries to peck our eyes,
we'll pelt him with old french fries.

And you know how hard those can get,
A rain of pain on our ex-pet.

And if our car doors won't unlock,
We'll sprint away in our shoes and socks.

And if that pesky bird gives chase,
Um... I'm not sure what to sing in this place.

I wish I knew how the real lyrics go,
I'd check online but it's too slow.

And you're almost about to sleep,
I hear only some quiet peeps.

So I may research this a little later,
and quit assaulting wildlife with stale taters.

We should have stayed in that pet shop,
and by now our story would have stopped.

A real parent would have known this song.
...I made it up as I went along.

I'm slowly starting to realize,
how much parenting is improvised.


Marizka said...

I like your version more. Who buys diamond rings for babies anyway ?

Hello, I'm Ryan Noel. said...

I was hoping this song would make your blog.

I can see a new songbook emerging.

I'm with you in the embarrassed-about-not-knowing-more-nursery-rhymes department. Especially, since Sarah knows them all. I've resorted to making up a slew of new animals (including the platybear) and corresponding animal sounds for Old McDonald Has a Farm, when Simeon gets bored with the standard cow, pig, goat and horse.

Anonymous said...

aw, so charming. But I can't erase the picture of the Aflac Duck chasing you and Veda thru the parking lot, mad intent on your french fries. I think I need to add a scene where Penny appears on the scene in stiletto boots and ninja gear and saves the day.

Ducks are menacing, you know.

xoxoxo wee

p.s. my code is: nequings which totally sounds like a species of bird to me, a species not unlike chickadees. Chickadees (and Nequings) are not menacing, just so you know.

Valarie said...

Oh, that was great! And, at 4:02 am.

Anonymous said...

Old McDullaghan had a kid,

And with this kid he did embark,
On a journey thru the dark.

He loves his kid the best he can,
That's all it takes for old McDullaghan,


jikam82 said...

Awesome. So much more entertaining then the original. :) See you guys on Sunday!

Anonymous said...

Excellent! Your lullabies were a conglomerate of the standards plus the Irish songs plus Sorority and Fraternity songs plus Christmas carols. They all worked pretty well.

I hope you are doing well. I'm off to DC later om today.

Love and hugs

Colin said...

Marizka - So true. I think there was a remix version of this song in which I sang, "No infant jewelry for that matter... sounds to me like a choking hazard."

It was an approximate rhyme at best.

But still better than most of my other extemporaneous lullabies -- like Ryan, I just never learned the "standards," nor was I in a fraternity or sorority, so poor Veda gets sung to sleep with a lot of old rap.

"Straight Outta Compton" was a particularly ridiculous selection, which I knew as I was singing it, but I have to say I enjoyed switching Eric B. and Rakim's "Microphone Fiend" to "Similac Fiend."

And one night a few weeks ago, when a very groggy Penny asked me to try and lull the little one to sleep, I had to try hard not to laugh all the way through "Mama Said Knock You Out."

Maybe next time we'll sing a ditty about Nonmenacing Nequings.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I can almost feel the delirium. I think you should record yourself singing it to her and post it.