The Pits

This weekend I participated in an "authentic" "racing" "experience." It was fun and all, and my team ended up winning the big race at the end, but I had a few concerns about the condition of the trainer cars.

*****

...Okay, okay, guys, overall the car feels pretty good. A little loose back there in turn five, but overall pretty good.

You might check the air pressure in the front right tire - I thought I felt some slipping from up there. Come to think of it, the front left was sliding pretty badly too, and the wheels in back as well.

The gearshifter: first to second is good, second to third no problem, but to get it to shift back down to second I have to pretty much Conan that bitch toward my hip with everything I've got. Yeah - lot of force needed there. Little lube on the linkage, maybe, that's all I'm saying.

Are you sure the mechanics checked everything earlier? Maybe they should give it another going over.

Wait, do you smell something? Come on, guys, I'm wearing a helmet and I can tell we're smoking from the exhaust back there. No, no, you're right, I don't see any actual smoke, but that's mainly because both rear-view mirrors are broken and dangling off the mounts.

Oh... you, uh, well, yes, I suppose that's one way of fixing it. Just set those over on the pit wall, there. I'm sure we can get those mirrors firmly attached again later. One, at least.

Did I mention that it died on the straightaway? It did. No, I'm sure I didn't stall it or anything... I couldn't really shift out of second anyway, to be honest with you. I don't know, I just kind of blipped the throttle and when the RPMs came down the engine kind of sputtered a little and pooped out.

That can't be good for our lap times, guys.

Yes, yes, I did get it started again pretty quickly, but I'll admit I was kind of worried about getting hit from behind, what with having no mirrors and all.

What do you mean, "wuss?"

You know what it is? It's almost like... I can't help thinking this car's been driven pretty hard before. Yeah. As if you'd had hundreds and hundreds of complete novices beat the living crap out of it, day after day, for several years, with no real maintenance beyond what it takes to keep this thing rolling.

What's that flapping off the body work up there? Right there - the left fender! You don't see that? Is that ... that's duct tape, isn't it?

I'll grant you that it's red duct tape, and it kind of matches the fiberglass, but...

I just don't understand how I'm supposed to be competitive out there with a car in this condition.

What? All the other cars out there are just as bad? What the heck kind of excuse is that? Don't give me that hooey about "parity" and "level playing field." I know it's a level playing field; I've been sliding across it all afternoon!

Seriously, I think my lawnmower could dominate this race. And it's not even a rider.

"Finely tuned performance machine," my ass.

And another thing - speaking of my ass, I think this seat's made out of styrofoam! Yeah - a big chunk broke off when I first climbed in! I didn't want to say anything, because I thought it was just me being careless, but here; look at this: it just comes off in your hands!

Here, take these bigger pieces rolling around on the floorboard. Set them over there by the mirrors somewhere; I'm leaving.

Somebody want to help me with these straps? The buckles are rusted.