8/22/05

This Just In

I was watching the Today Show this morning, and there was a report on a recent study linking an increased risk of contracting a mysterious new form of cancer to viewing reports on contracting mysterious new forms of cancer.

"Gaah!" shrieked Katie Couric, turning away from the monitor. "I recognize the importance of making people aware of these critical health risks, but I can't help wishing I hadn't seen that! For my family's sake!"

Matt Lauer swiveled to her solemnly, nodding. "I know, Katie. I know. But it's our duty as journalists to inform our viewers on the issues threatening their everyday lives ... even if it means risking our own."

I can't wait to tune in tomorrow morning, when they'll either explain what afflicted people can do to improve their chances of surviving this mysterious new disease, or let us in on another, even newer and more fatal illness to watch out for.

*****

Actually, there really is a growing health concern in our household, and it's growing right under the skin on Penelope's right forearm. No one knows why, or what it's composed of, exactly, but Penny's convinced that it is, and I quote, a "cancerous alien."

"Honey." I keep saying, in patient, even tones. "It's just a bump on your arm. It'll probably go away before the weekend."

"No! I'm gonna die! They're gonna saw my arm off and I'm gonna die!"

So now I'm setting down my coffee and picking up my laptop, searching through medical websites. "Okay, okay, honey, right here: 'Benign Ganglion Cyst.' '...a bump or mass that forms under the skin ... most commonly seen on the back side of the wrist ... often disappears spontaneously ... not harmful or cancerous.'"

Her expression changes not at all.

"Did you try looking up 'Cancerous Alien'? Because that's what's in my arm. It's a cancerous alien with hair and teeth."

"It's nothing!"

"Fangs, I bet. Big fangs."

"You're so worried about it, you call the doctor. Their office opens in half an hour."

"Okay, I will."

"You do that."

"I will."

*****

So Penelope goes to the doctor's office. Her appointment is at 10:30. She walks in and goes right up to the receptionist's window.

"Good morning, ma'am, and what are you here to see the doctor for?"

"For this CANCEROUS ALIEN in my arm!" she says, thrusting the offending bump in front of the glass.

The receptionist snickers to herself and tells Penny to have a seat.

*****

10:34 - "Well, Mrs. Dullaghan, I wouldn't worry too much about this. Let me know if it starts hurting or if it doesn't go away by the weekend, and we'll run some tests. For now, though, I wouldn't worry. It'll most likely go away on its own."

*****

"So, honey, how did it go at the doctor's office?"

"He said I'm gonna die within two weeks and you should come home right now and take a trip around the world with me."

"And the alien?"

"He goes too. He's already packed his toothbrush. Fangbrush."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Humphrey, the cancerous alien, says hello by the way.

-penelope

Jan said...

Now would be a great time to watch the comedy movie "Evolution"!!

Luke said...

Dude... you are INSANE.
And an AWESOME writer.

You inspire me.