My True Love Slaked My Greed

Although I enjoy Christmas music in general, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song annoys me.

Why, I wonder, must the singer's "true love" shower her with so many tokens of his affection? If the love is really true, what does she need with seven swans a-swimming? Nobody needs swans. That's the whole beauty of swans... they're totally impractical. You see one swan, you say, "Ooh, a swan!" You don't stand around waiting for six more!

And - do these gifts just pile up? On the first day he brought her a partridge in a pear tree, but then on the second day he brought - okay, I don't remember what he brought - but the important thing is that we REPEAT the partridge in a pear tree line. Does he bring ANOTHER partridge, in ANOTHER pear tree, and so on for all twelve categories of gift? That's messed up.

If this is really the case, and each day her true love has to pony up however many gifts he brought yesterday, *plus* multiple specimens of a new gift, this poor schmuck will have to round up no fewer than *40* maids a-milking, for instance: eight on day eight, eight more on day nine, along with the dancing ladies, another eight tagging along with the lords a-leaping, etcetera, etcetera.

Who came up with this deranged holiday factorial?

I'll tell you who: greedy lovers. The way I see it, one partridge and/or *one* pear tree is plenty. She should be grateful she got anything at all - after all, it's not *her* birthday; it's Jesus's.

Twelve days of Christmas. Right there you know something's not kosher – Christmas is *one* day! Even the Jews keep it limited to *eight* crazy nights! What on earth entitles this broad to a 50% gift-getting increase?

The true love, though, whoever he is, is partially to blame too. How gullible is this guy? You can't buy someone's love, buddy – especially not with a bunch of geese. And, I don't know how you missed it, but she obviously likes the golden rings best – listen to how she sings that part! "FIVE (more!)... GOLDEN RINGS!" She's probably just relieved it's not more birds, you lunatic – by the time the rings show up you've given her Four Calling Birds, *Six* French Hens, *Six* Turtle Doves, and Four Partridges!

What kind of line of credit do you have with the local aviary?

And then you proceed to give her five more rings along with the geese the next day, and five more with the swans, five more with the maids... by the time you bring dancing ladies (not the most romantic gift, by the way) she's got more rings than she could possibly wear on all her appendages at one time.

Seriously, enough already with the rings.

Look, man: simple math. If you insist on turning up every day (and every year, for that matter) with a half-dozen or more *new* gifts, plus everything you brought before, you run into trouble by the end of the first week.

By the time it's all said and done on the twelfth day, you're going to be dragging your broke ass up to her house with almost 80 new presents to add to her stash. And don't tell me the dozen drummers aren't making a racket.

Trust me, pal: drop this floozy now, before the holiday season starts up again. She's no good for you. Year in and year out, pipers piping or no pipers piping, no matter how many presents you bring, she's always going to expect *a little* more tomorrow.

It's just not worth it.